he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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