The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
