I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
