my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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