Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
