you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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