I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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