i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
