My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
