The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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