Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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