So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
