Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
