I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
