Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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