You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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