i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
