Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
