have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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