its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
