A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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