matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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