I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
