sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
