So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
