so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
