I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
