If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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