Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
