he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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