she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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