am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
