You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
