dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
