Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I smell stomach acid.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
