Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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