I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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