Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Four minutes until I can fart!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
