You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I am morally bankrupt
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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