Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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