If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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