i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
