Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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