All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
