I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
