omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
