I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
