I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
