then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would ride that face into the sunset
COCAINE IS GR8
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
