God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
