My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
